Monday, October 26, 2015

"I Don't Know"


"I don't know" is my current favorite response to any question. Or perhaps it's not my favorite, but it's the only sufficient answer I can give without spiraling into an extended, drawn out explanation in which I just talk in circles to avoid answering the real question. I feel like I'm in a constant state of "I don't know," which for somebody who needs to know everything, is incredibly frustrating.

I am Francesca. I am nineteen. And I don't know.

I do things on the daily with a lot of uncertainty: of what's going to happen later in the night, later in the week, or even months from that moment. I don't know what I'm doing this weekend, I don't know what I'm doing during the summer, I especially don't know what's going to happen after I get my degree and graduate college.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know whether journalism is the right track for me (I mean, I think I know it's not, but if you never try, you'll never know, right? I think that's what Chris Martin from Coldplay said...). I don't know whether there's any true academic track that's right for me, or any career in existence that is right for me. I don't know what I want out of college, out of life, out of the relationships I make with people. I am constantly flip-flopping between needs and wants and things of that nature. I feel flaky and unreliable. I am unstructured and rolling with the punches to the best of my ability.

It's easy to feel isolated when you feel like the only person who isn't doing things. There's the FOMO regarding social activities, but I feel a certain type of FOMO when I see people getting jobs in their courses of study or talk endlessly about their cool internships. I get jealous, so to speak, about other people's accomplishments. Or perhaps it's less of jealousy and more self-depricating, like I can't do these things because I'm incompetent or not qualified. Don't get stuck in this never ending cycle of doubt.

Over time and through my own experience attempting this, I've come to the conclusion that we're all faking it, one way or another. Because how is it possible to be entirely sure about something, especially in your teenage years or early twenties?

The "I don't know" stage of life is not something to be ashamed of or afraid of. We're all in this together, honestly. We're all in that weird period of life where nothing seems right, but there's something to appreciate about it. We can mold and shape ourselves and if it doesn't fit, we can find a new spot to meld to. We are malleable. We are not forced to stay permanently shaped into decisions we have made when we were sixteen, seventh, eighteen years old. Relish in this! Use your "I don't know" phase to try out different things, explore your city and your interests and make relationships with people you're interested in.

Don't let this uncertainty hinder you. Use it to your advantage!

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