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Brother From Another Mother


My brother is significantly older than me. Like, I’m talking 18 years older. In actuality, he’s my half-brother, a surprise to his parents (presumably? I mean, who really wants to take care of a kid?). It was the 70’s, okay? Nobody knew what the hell they were doing. I digress, my older brother is actually my half-brother, or my brother from another mother. And I can say that because it’s true and not sound like a complete a-hole. Maybe I still sound like a complete a**, but let’s just move on with it. You’ll get over it.

Since I was such an adorable little child, my brother would use me as his pawn in his dating games. My innocent little face would lure in the girls who would fawn over my cuteness and him in return for being the great older brother. Around the age of 4 or 5, I realized that he wasn’t just being a nice brother and that he was using me as a chick magnet because girls like guys who are good with kids (I can attest to this, but still). Apparently I was some genius as a child, I don’t know. I wish I was smarter in more important subjects, like math. Beggers can’t be choosers, I suppose.

He once took me to Fantasy Island, an amusement park in the area, on a date with some girl who also had a younger sibling. Me being the little brat that I was followed him around the entire time calling him daddy to the point where he was too embarrassed to parade me around the amusement park anymore. In a recent text from my mom about this topic, she added this bit to embellish the situation because, well, why not? 

"Daddy, why do you keep saying you're not my daddy?"


The moral of the story is not to ever use me to get somebody to like you, because I will most likely embarrass the hell out of you on purpose. Embarrassing people (and myself) is actually one of my hobbies. I’ve become decently good at it, mostly because I am an awful dancer, but I love dancing. Same goes for singing and just the general act of living. Really, the only thing I'm good at is embarrassing people, more specifically my family. Watch your backs. 

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