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The Fear of Falling Apart

Though I try to be almost always, I'm not a positive person 100% of the time. I can't be an optimist 24/7, that's just impossible no matter how hard I try. This past weekend, I felt at my lowest but had to put on a strong face to keep from falling apart around my family and friends. Underneath the lipstick and smiles, I felt lost and like I had 1,000 things to worry about. My world was bleak with no sunlight.

Feeling pessimistic is a foreign feeling for me and whenever it creeps into my life, I panic. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not being positive, so I sort of shut down, close off, and break down. It's really not a pretty sight. Fortunately, I can manage it pretty well, but from anywhere between a few minutes to a few hours, I feel like a completely different person. And I hate it.

There's always this pending moment of when I'm going to shatter, when I'm finally going to hit my breaking point both emotionally and mentally. It's usually a long time coming, like lava rising slowly up a volcano until it erupts, covering cities in its molten goo. Perhaps when I fall apart, I don't destroy cities in my wrath, but I unintentionally hurt my family, friends, and myself.

I think I spend more time being afraid of the moment where my optimism and blissful (though slightly ignorant) happiness are going to slip away, replacing my sunshine with a stormy rain cloud and murky skies. It's a lot easier to be happy and positive than it is for me to be miserable and upset. So thinking about moments that are going to ruin my moment of happiness can be worse than the "life shattering" moment that I can manage in what feels like no time.

Not everything can be fixed with a slight shift in your thoughts or the way that you choose to view the world that day. Not everything can be fixed by a nice conversation, a few deep breaths, and a support system that sends you shirtless photos of Harry Styles (he was bound to show up somewhere in this post). Not everything can even be fixed by yourself, but that doesn't mean it's not worth trying.

Falling apart isn't the worst thing in the world. It's what makes us human. We need to feel a range of emotions, we just do. I don't know why and maybe some science buff will be able to explain this or disprove it, but I say that feeling a healthy range of emotions is normal. Sometimes you just need to be upset or so blissfully happy that you forget about the world for a few moments. You need to fear the moment that your happiness is going to end, deal with the pain that comes along with falling apart, and then learn how to put it all back together again.

I promise, it's not as hard as it seems.


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