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How To (Not) Be Prepared To Move Out Without Really Trying

I have lived with my parents for 17 years with no major issues. Home has always been a very comfortable place. Trust me, it has been almost impossible to peel me from my desk where my laptop almost permanently resides. My ass is constantly plopped down on my shitty desk chair that we got for less than 20 dollars at Target. Needless to say, I have been less than pleased to move, even when it was my bright idea to go away for college rather than test the waters at the local colleges. No offense to the dozens of colleges in my general area. It's really all because I hate every one where I live and would rather take my chances in a group of vicious, starving sharks who love average height Italian girls with green eyes and blonde hair.

Because of my decision to go to school in another state, I apparently can't make the three and a half hour commute from my house to school every day. Whatever. My life is now being picked up and moved 200 plus miles to a dorm. This is how I've decided to go about packing. I recommend other ways.

  1. Deny the fact that you have grown up and are even of legal age to attend college. This is best achieved by wearing diapers and refusing to speak in complete sentences. Throw your sippy cup around and call everyone mommy. For extra measure, cut your own hair and discover swearing for the first time.
  2. Buy things you don't necessarily need, but want. Brightly colored measuring cups? You have no oven in your dorm and literally no use for them, but sure, let them hog up space in your limited drawer space.
  3. Pretend you're constantly busy when in reality, you just rediscovered Animal Crossing. Seriously, you will not regret this decision. It doesn't get much better than living in a city with only fruit trees, made up fish and animals that talk gibberish to you. It's like living in a barely civilized foreign country.
  4. Throw all of your clothes on the floor. When your mom asks why your room is so dirty, claim it's because you're just going to have to pack it all anyways. Repeat this for the four weeks up until you really have to leave.
  5. Duct tape yourself to the childhood bed you've had since you were four. Who needs limbs or air anyways?
I hope everyone starting college, going back to college or moving out into their first apartment don't follow these tips and move into their new place quickly and painlessly. Be safe and puff, puff, pass.


  1. I can't believe I didn't see this before but I already miss you and had a good cry today when I looked at your new address with an abbreviation that wasn't NY :( SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME?!?!?!?!?


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