Admitting My Greatest Weakness | life according to francesca

Admitting My Greatest Weakness

Friday, January 25, 2019


I had 75% of a post-pre-written that I planned on using this morning. I proceeded to read it over again, for probably the tenth time since I've written it and...decided to scrap it. For someone who writes a majority of her pieces the night before or the morning of, I've somehow decided that the pieces I've taken the time to carefully pre-write and edit are garbage. This isn't super uncommon for me. I've given myself the pet name of Trash (or, as my birthday hashtag suggested #Trashcesca). I usually think a majority of the things I do aren't great. And while that might be true of some of the things I've created (I tend to waste precious free time on doing stupid things just to get a laugh), there's no way I've spent the last 23 years creating only garbage. 

I joke that the reason I struggle to realize that things I do aren't terrible due to the fact that I've neatly packaged all of my teenage insecurity into a tote bag and have been dragging it around for years since, tossing in all of the other societal pressures of just existing as a woman in this day and age and continuing on my path of trying to figure shit out. It's great, really. Even in an interview, I listed off self-doubt as my greatest weakness, which is basically true even if my greatest weakness is actually a new photoshoot of Shawn Mendes releasing without my knowledge where he's wearing a t-shirt and flexing ever-so-slightly. 

The nice thing is that I don't necessarily struggle to list off strengths, which is dope I guess? But that whole little self-doubt thing (which really isn't that little) becomes incredibly apparent after it's pointed out. Or rather, called out by myself.


You can see it in the way I word emails, my messages to my boss and co-workers, my explanations about things that I had previously felt confident about. There's always a lot of apologies sprinkled in for no reason, "I'm not sure" makes a lot of appearances, and there's always two times more details than are necessary. You can see it in the way I keep on-going lists of ideas that never see the light of day unless I get a spurt of adrenaline every few weeks where I feel like I've garnered up enough confidence to release a few. You can see it in the way I like things to be checked along the way before I post. I don't necessarily thrive off of validation, but am I completely against it? Absolutely not. 

Most of the time I don't realize I'm doing this, which might make it worse in some ways. It's just naturally ingrained into my mind and personality that this is the way I should exist. Am I a fan of constantly checking myself, my posture, what I'm saying, what I'm not saying, my entire existence? Not particularly. Do I think it's necessary sometimes to keep ourselves in line? Fo'sho. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. 

I don't want to stop thinking about what I'm doing entirely. Self-reflection is cool and nice and I'm a big fan of it. But I feel like it's a slippery slope between self-reflection and constant self-doubt, those moments where you spend three hours after you said something thinking about said something and dwelling on it. I'm still thinking about things I said in an interview last week and face-palming. 


I don't really have any answers for this post. No tips on how to crush the self-doubt in your head. Nothing about how to be more confident and believe in yourself more. I don't think it really relies on age. I've met incredibly confident teenagers and grown-ass adults riddled with self-doubt. It depends on the person, sure, but I can only assume it comes with practice, shifting your attitude, believing in what you're saying for once, speaking unapologetically (within reason and without being a dick, ya know), avoiding adding on those extra sentences when you don't know whether your thought is complete, choosing your words better and not apologizing for just existing...

I don't know though, man. I don't know, but I guess we shall see!


Sweater: H&M
Skirt: ASOS
Coat: Forever21
Purse: Rebecca Minkoff
Shoes: Sam & Libby
Hat: Epoch
Lipstick: Too Faced 'Lady Balls'


4 comments

  1. Oh my gosh I love this! I feel the same exact way. I apologize and include so many details it’s boardline comical. I try double checking sometimes to make sure it isn’t too crazy but man we just need some confidence girlfriend!

    Xo Logan
    https://peculiarporter.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've had to check myself a lot for false humility too because I, too, don't think I'm that great at things, but it's taken surrounding myself with people who call me higher and call those strengths out of myself for me to realize how I'm self-sabotaging myself in a really detrimental way!! Definitely take a look at who you're with majority of the time and how they're shaping you!

    www.mollyonthemoveblog.com

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  3. Thanks for sharing this inspiring post!! <3
    https://lifewithmims.com/

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  4. Such a fun sweater! I seriously love this look!

    Briana
    https://beyoutifulbrunette.com/

    ReplyDelete

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