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Cheaper by the Dozen

I constantly struggle with the debate of private versus public aspects of my life. My audience isn't huge, but the idea that anyone could stumble upon any given blog post at any given time causes me to pose the question: Where do I draw the line?

This was something I was going to draw the line with, but I wanted to talk about it in some capacity. It seemed wrong to gloss over it, pretend it didn't happen, and try to move on. This is not a typical blog post and I genuinely hope that I don't have to make another like this for a very long time. This might just be a selfish post, one that I write just so I have the feelings written down somewhere other than bottling them inside my head and heart.

It's not a post about fashion or beauty tips. It's mostly just a stream of consciousness, a string of emotional sentiments put together in an attempt to make myself feel better. If you've lost somebody in your life, I'm sure you understand the spiral of thoughts and emotions that follow. I'm just trying to make sense of them for the first time since it's happened.
I only let myself miss a single day of posting new content thanks to my somewhat new schedule of not posting on weekends. I thought I was going to take more time off, but I didn't want my world to stop because of one shitty (really, really, really shitty) thing happening. I don't particularly enjoy missing posts. It's not about pressure to post or anything like that. It's just that this is my creative outlet and I like when I am able to create content to share with whoever stumbles upon it on the interwebs. However, I didn't have anything pre-written or any photos pre-shot to post, so I had to improvise and give myself a day to properly grieve.

Some days, I didn't feel particularly in the mood to pretend to be happy enough to write well thought out content that would only serve as a distraction from what was really going on. I typically welcome distractions of any sort with open arms, but certain things you just can't ignore.

My grandfather turned 90 on October 27th. We got him his favorite ice cream cake from Dairy Queen and gathered in his house, a typical ritual for holidays, birthdays, and generally just any day that we particularly felt like gathering. We celebrated his 90th birthday in the comfort of his home, the home he and my grandmother raised their twelve children in. That was his second day home in a month after a few stints in emergency rooms, rehabilitation centers, and regular hospital rooms.

He passed on November 2nd.

That's still weird to write. He was 6'2", blue-eyed, and the kindest human I have and will ever meet. My grandpa was a good person. He had twelve kids and nearly thirty grandchildren (can't forget the nine grandchildren, either). He loved pierogi, polish sausage, copious amounts of ketchup, and hot dogs charred beyond belief. He loved to read, study the law, and practice his radio voice. He loved to give airplane rides, listen to swing music, and hand out candy when he probably should have been limiting the amount of sugar he gave to children so they wouldn't bounce off the walls at his house. He loved Niagara Falls, Central Park, and traveling around the United States to visit his out of town family. Above all, he loved his wife of 64 years. She was his world, the center of his universe.

I spent a lot of time as a child at my grandparents' house. My parents worked and before I went to school, I would have to go somewhere. I watched arguably too much Barney and Cats (yes, the terrible musical). I ate chips and coke and even at a young age, I sat at the kitchen table and drank tea with my grandpa to pass the time. He is the sole person to blame reason I dump so much sugar into my tea and coffee (other than the fact that it just really tastes better that way).

Every Sunday (and sometimes Thursday) my entire family gets together at my grandparents' house to be together. My grandma and grandpa used to sit in their twin reclining chairs in the living room and hold hands while their children, grandchildren, and now great-grandchildren took up space wherever they could.

It won't quite be like that anymore, but I'd like to think he's still watching us from somewhere.

I say this a lot, but for real, back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow with Friday favorites.


  1. I'm so sorry about your loss, Francesca. Never apologize for writing about personal things on your blog, it's your blog! This is a place for you to express your feelings. I love all of your fashion posts but I also appreciate hearing about your life. Your grandpa is definitely watching you from somewhere & will be proud of you!

    Sending my love,
    Lauren //

  2. Beautifully written, Francie! I am at work with tears streaming down my face... Love you!

  3. Frannie, You Are One Awesome Granddaughter.....He Will Forever Be In Your Heart~~xoxox.....Love Colleen

  4. So many tears. Really well written, Fran.

  5. This is beautiful Francesca <3 Thank you for sharing this with us, he is definitely watching over you xoxoxo

  6. I met him once and was impressed by what a nice man he was.Bless you Fran in these hard days to follow. Take good care of yourself as he would have wished.

  7. He is definitely watching over you and will be so proud of all the accomplishments you achieve in life. I can imagine he was so proud of all that you have accomplished thus far! Love you girl! Im always here if you need someone to listen or need a shopping/Starbucks/Mexican distraction! ❤️

  8. Beautifully written and very touching. I also read it at work so samesies with Mo and Jessi

  9. That is beautiful Francesca, he was a great man and he will be watching and taking care of you. Love you!

  10. This post is such a beautiful representation of your love and bond with your grandpa. Much love and prayers to you and your family <3

  11. I said it already but now I've read this beautiful sweet post and need to say it again: so, so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you posted this – I hope it helped you to let it out. It's very well-written. I was almost tearing up and he's not even my grandpa.

    Hoping you and your family can find some peace and comfort.


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