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Lies My Mother Told Me

I am currently at home sitting with my mother while I shove my face with my favorite Mexican food. A few weeks ago, we were talking about how I mentioned one of the stories she used to tell me as a kid about the khakis and oatmeal. It got us onto the topic of things that she and my dad used to tell me when I was a wee little one. So I figured while I have her in front of me rather than through a cell phone, I'd share the top three lies my mother told me.

1. I wasn't entirely the best behaved child. I wasn't evil like Rhoda from The Bad Seed or anything, but I was a somewhat vicious four or five year old. I went through an "I hate pants" phase, much like I did this past summer. But really, trying to get me to wears any sort of pants was a struggle. I used to misbehave a lot specifically while we were in the car, generally on our way to my grandparent's house. So, in order to get me to calm down, my mom used to tell me this old abandoned building was an orphanage that she'd send me to if I didn't behave, a place where I'd have to wear only khakis and eat oatmeal. Khakis and oatmeal were my NIGHTMARE. They still are honestly. The lie? It obviously wasn't an orphanage. It was merely an abandoned aerospace building.

2. I told this story a while ago on my blog, but long story short: I wanted a pair of ruby red slippers so bad when I was a wee little one. I would beg my mother every time we would go into Target but she always said that they didn't have them in my size. The lie? THEY DID. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. She just thought they were ugly and didn't want me to have a pair.

3. In fifth grade, I wanted a guinea pig so bad. Like so bad. I would beg, and beg, and beg. I asked far too often, I did. I asked my parents for a guinea pig for Christmas but my mother told me that "Santa didn't bring live chattel." I didn't know what live chattel was, but apparently it's just a legal term for live animals. Regardless, my best friend was telling me on the phone what she got for Christmas and I ended up bursting into tears because she got a guinea pig for Christmas. Turns out, Santa does bring live chattel and I completely lost it when I found out. Needless to say, I ended up getting a guinea pig soon after...The lie? Aside from the Santa animals can be a Christmas present.

Thanks mom.


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