Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The Stages of Putting Together An Outfit


1. Wake up to first alarm. Snooze. Wake up to second alarm. Snooze. Wake up to third alarm. Consider getting out of bed? Snooze one last time, for good measure.

2. Slowly crawl out of bed. Somewhere between the kid from The Grudge and an infant. Groan of defeat is not required, but if potentially waking up roommates is not a factor, go for it. It adds a certain gene se quois.

3. Go through morning routine. Wash face, brush hair, cake on three layers of foundation and concealer to hide your still acne ridden skin even if you've been dealing with this crap for at least seven years and IT IS STILL PLAGUING YOUR FACE. Take a deep breath after suffering through the same acne rant you have weekly.

4. Open your closet. Search for the pieces of the outfit that you were creating in your head the night before and thought would be absolutely perfect for the next day. Retrieve pieces and hold them up in the mirror. You may or may not actually try these on before you decide that THEY'RE ALL WRONG. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

5. Check the weather. Realize that it's actually twenty degrees colder/warmer than you thought (it could go either way in the Midwest). Change everything you ever considered for an outfit that day and start completely from scratch. Return to step four and do not collect $200.

6. Stare into the seemingly endless void that is your closet. Touch every single piece of clothing on the hangers, pondering momentarily at each piece. Is today the day that you'll finally wear that silk pajama top that you haven't worn since last season? Pass. What about the sweater you bought in four different colors because it was your favorite style despite not wearing two out of the four that are currently taking up space in your closet? Pass, pass, pass and pass. Faux leather MC Hammer pants that feel like you're legitimately wearing sweatpants to work and allow you to eat as much or as little as you want because of the elastic waist? Possibly. Pull those suckers out and lay them out on your bed, probably still unmade and messy from the morning crawl.

7. Pick out an entire outfit that you think you love. Look down at your bare feet and realize that you've chosen an outfit that goes with none of the shoe options that you have in your closet. Briefly consider stopping at the mall before you have to go to wherever you're going until you realize that that is completely implausible. Sigh in defeat and go back to step four. Again.

8. Try on two to three more outfit combinations, keeping shoes in mind this time. It's the law to hate at least two of the outfits that you try on in the morning. You're legally obliged. I don't make the rules, the founding fathers did. Am I saying that this is in the constitution. Maybe. Have you read the entire thing? There could be fine print.

9. Lay down on your bed in your bra and underwear for a solid five minutes. Realize that you've wasted half of your morning trying to dress yourself and that you now only have ten minutes to put in your contacts, brush your teeth, pack a lunch, get dressed and somehow walk five minutes to your car in the parking lot.

10. Scramble to your closet and blindly grab for something. Check reflection to make sure zipper on your kick flare jeans is done up. Ignore the fact that you're wearing an oversized turtleneck that you may or may not have worn the previous day. You didn't take a #OOTD photo so you don't remember what exactly you put on your body.

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