Fantasy Football

Monday, September 1, 2014

Other than "we are out of pumpkin syrup", this is the worst combination of words that come around about in the fall. If you come in contact with a football enthusiast during the early stages of pre-season and weeks after post-season, you will hear the word "fantasy football" come up at least once, if not more times. It's an obsession among onset gambling addicts and people who apparently really love to irritate everybody around them.

The boys in my family make a league every year and keep it between themselves. At Thursday and Sunday night dinners, the conversation centers around how their teams did that week, how they're going to do at the next game, and a bunch of other mumbo-jumbo that I will never understand because I simply do not care enough about it. Until now.

At the end of last season, I got sick of hearing them talk about Fantasy Football that I sort of...er...snapped? I prefer to say that I had a stroke of genius. I decided, right then and there, at my grandparent's dinner table, that I was going to join the league next season. Not only was I going to join, I was only going to pick players solely based off of their attractiveness. I didn't care about talent or stats or whether or not they even had starting positions. I simply cared about the physical state of their faces (and in Colin Kaepernick's case, their abs). Nobody opposed and I began plotting my draft in my head, months too early.

I did my scouting like any normal person would—I searched "hottest players in the NFL" and looked through various Cosmo lists and made my little index cards with names that meant nothing to me. I looked at faces and abs and tried to decide if they could pass the test to get a spot onto my team, appropriately dubbed Literal Fantasy Football (my icon is Kaepernick's abs, of course).

I paid my $10 and my team was chosen for me by my brother, who hated the idea of me not taking Fantasy Football seriously so much that he dropped out of the league. I'm relatively pleased with it, so I thought I would share part of my team.

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First and foremost, I have Tom Brady on my team, which everybody was giving me sh*t for. Does nobody understand that he is gorgeous? The fact that he's not a legitimate model is mind blowing to me. He kind of balances out some of the "less attractive, but still attractive" players that I sort of got stuck with.

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For running backs, I have Adrian Peterson and Arian Foster. Need I say much more?

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For wide receivers, I've got Victor Cruz and Wes Welker. I really don't know what to say because I have no idea who these people are besides the fact that they showed up on quite a few lists and are now on my team of mega hotties.

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My tight end is Julius Thomas, which I am not too happy about, but my brother assured me that he is good. I reminded myself that Tom Brady certainly could count as two attractive people, so I'm letting Thomas slide...for now.

Eric Decker, Jordan Reed, Emmanuel Sanders and Johnny Manziel are also on my roster. Do I plan on winning the league? Absolutely not. Ten dollars well spent? Absolutely. Cheers everybody!

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