American Secrets

Wednesday, July 2, 2014



July 4th is rapidly approaching, meaning that Americans need to get their sh*t together and start pumping themselves up with the overwhelming amount of patriotism that comes around once a year. Nobody loves America as much as Americans love America on July 4th. Or when USA advances past the first 3 games of the World Cup #Merica.

The Fourth of July is the time of year where it's a free for all. People are decked out from head to toe in red, white, and blue. People paint their hair, adults wear festive tutus, people start puking the glitter that they doused their entire body with. It's a great time to be alive.

For any patriotic newbies, here is a simple guide to being the most obnoxious American at your drunk uncle's Fourth of July/'Merica/We Are the Superpower, Except Not Really party.

1. Red, white, and blue everything. Ladies, that means even bras and underwear. If you have a pair with stars or glitter on it, even better. Every single piece of clothing on you must match this color scheme or else a football (an American football, classic pigskin because football is not soccer, despite what the entire rest of the world thinks) will be punted into your general facial region. This color scheme also includes, but is not limited to: eyeliner, lipstick, blush, body paint, clothing, hair, the body hair on your left arm, and sweater that you force your teacup dog into.

2. Decorations for that party in which everybody gets really drunk and gets every single golf toss  stuck in the branches of a tree and when people try to climb it to retrieve them the branch breaks and all hell breaks loose. Just walk your booty on in to a Party City and grab anything red, white or blue (again with the color scheme. This is very important). Cups, plates, napkins, plastic silverware even though you're just eating hot dogs, hamburgers, and the souls of anybody who has ever wronged America. You need table centerpieces for no apparent reasons and streamers for your outdoor barbecue so they can fall down and not decompose because you bought the non biodegradable kind because who cares about the environment? They're all lying about global warming anyways. 'MERICA!

3. Buy an eagle. If you can't find an eagle to wear around on your shoulder on the 4th, don't even bother leaving your house. Wallow in your misery and drink Canadian beer because you are a disgrace to America. Make sure the eagle's name is Sam and that he has a heart tattoo with "mom" written in the middle. Bonus points if your eagle is incredible and beer pong and can throw the frisbee through the slot in Kan Jam.

4. Joke material about other countries because they are all inferior to America. You ever hear that joke about America being the #4 ranked country for employees faking illnesses?* LOLOLOLOL. 'MERICA! Or the one about The United States being the most racist country in the world?** What a knee slapper!!!

End the night passed out drunk before the fireworks even start, wake up long enough to shout out how much you love America, sleep for the next four days as you consumed enough alcohol for the entire population of Iceland, and continue to live on for the next 365 days complaining about taxes, the government spying on your phone calls, and the economic crisis that we all seem to forget about.


*Information from here
**Information from here


If it wasn't apparent, I am obviously joking and I do not share any of these opinions. Besides the excitement of the USA getting through the Group of Death. That was amazing.

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