Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Story Of My Life...



I hope you sang the title like Harry Styles. Or imagined Harry Styles singing it. Naked. No, never mind, don't do that.

If I haven't said it before, I love reading autobiographies, memoirs, and books of essays about the author. They're normally very hilarious, insightful, beautiful, or simultaneous combinations of all three. Around the time I finished Mindy Kaling's book and discovered a draft of a chapter of my uncle's (absolutely brilliant, by the way), I wondered what it would be like if I wrote a book about myself. This was the result. Take it as you will. Also, please forgive me for all of my swears. I'm not as classy as I try to make myself seem.

I had bangs, braces, and acne all at the same time. It was the trifecta of complete and utter awkwardness, and I was blessed with it through my first two years of high school. No, I was not popular, just incase you got confused there. The girl who sat with her head down? Me. The girl whose voice you'd hear once a year? Me again! The girl who you accidentally bumped into a locker because you thought they were invisible? Not me. You couldn't miss those bangs even if you were Stevie Wonder.
I begged my mom for braces in middle school. It was the first thing I said when I woke up and the last thing I said when I finally went to sleep well past midnight. I truly wish someone would have told me to get my beauty sleep. If anyone needed beauty rest, it was me. 
My teeth had more gaps than the thighs of the  models in my favorite magazines, and my bottom teeth were becoming more and more horizontal by the days. In short, I had some pretty f**ked up teeth, leaving me no choice but to keep my mouth shut and never smile. I had a chronic bitch face up until my senior year when I finally got the train tracks removed from my teeth.
And that's as far as I got when I realized that 1. I'm not interesting enough for a book 2. I don't remember anything from my past and therefore would turn this book into fiction and 3. I'm too lazy for this ish.

Alternatively titled:


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What's your favorite autobiography/book of essays? I love Ellen's books! 

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