How To Successfully Suck At Blogging Without Really Trying

Sunday, August 18, 2013

It becomes more obvious with each passing day (and week...and month...) that I am, indeed, an awful blogger. I am inconsistent, forgetful and just damn lazy. I can make a million excuses in the world, but instead, I am going to make a list of the things I've done instead of blogging in order to get back into blogging. Did that make sense? No? Ah, all right, you little rascal.

  1. Get really, really busy with school and spend any amount of free time watching episodes (new or repeats) of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon while simultaneously wishing he were single and you were twenty years older. Also, spend a lot of time with your head in the fridge or the pantry or the cupboards. Really, any place where you're going to get food without leaving the comfort of your house and ratty ass sweatpants with milkshake stains on strange places.
  2. Play a sport for your school or for a club. Apparently, you have to practice and go to games when you sign up for organized sports? I assumed you just wrote it down on your little resume for applications and such or used it as an excuse to get out of going to some awful family reunion that you would rather stab yourself in the appendix than attend. Games, when you're on bad teams, can often be very long and painful to be a part of. Overall, total waste of time if your only outcome is a loss.
  3. Get a job.  Doing labor of the legal sorts is a great way to give your parents excuses not to give you money anymore. "Hey mom, can I have five bucks to----" "No, you just got paid." "Mom, I babysit one hour a week and I have to pay for gas now. Can I plea--" "No." "ajfa104!$1!$@%" Really, jobs aren't as great as they sound. I'm sure even licking Ryan Gosling's naked chest would get a little boring after a while. There are only so many licks before you get to the center of his tootsie pop.
  4. Get mugged in an alley way and have your computer stolen by a crazy hobo dressed in a banana costume. This personally has never happened to me, but if you're ever in an alley by yourself and there is a man in a banana costume, run.
  5. Socialize. So, I started doing this thing where when people asked me if I was busy and wanted to do something, I said "Sure!" rather than making up a bullshit excuse about how my pet giraffe missed its parents back at home so I had to fly to wherever the fuck my giraffe grew up so it wasn't so sad. Warning: socializing can end up taking up a lot of your time so proceed with caution.
  6. Go on vacation because you deserve it!
And that's basically what has been going on in my life (minus #4). Hope this did not help you at all, but still made you laugh or wonder whether I am currently residing in my parent's house or a psychiatric ward where I managed to find Wifi and a computer to type out this blog post on.

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