How To (Not) Be Prepared To Move Out Without Really Trying

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I have lived with my parents for 17 years with no major issues. Home has always been a very comfortable place. Trust me, it has been almost impossible to peel me from my desk where my laptop almost permanently resides. My ass is constantly plopped down on my shitty desk chair that we got for less than 20 dollars at Target. Needless to say, I have been less than pleased to move, even when it was my bright idea to go away for college rather than test the waters at the local colleges. No offense to the dozens of colleges in my general area. It's really all because I hate every one where I live and would rather take my chances in a group of vicious, starving sharks who love average height Italian girls with green eyes and blonde hair.

Because of my decision to go to school in another state, I apparently can't make the three and a half hour commute from my house to school every day. Whatever. My life is now being picked up and moved 200 plus miles to a dorm. This is how I've decided to go about packing. I recommend other ways.

  1. Deny the fact that you have grown up and are even of legal age to attend college. This is best achieved by wearing diapers and refusing to speak in complete sentences. Throw your sippy cup around and call everyone mommy. For extra measure, cut your own hair and discover swearing for the first time.
  2. Buy things you don't necessarily need, but want. Brightly colored measuring cups? You have no oven in your dorm and literally no use for them, but sure, let them hog up space in your limited drawer space.
  3. Pretend you're constantly busy when in reality, you just rediscovered Animal Crossing. Seriously, you will not regret this decision. It doesn't get much better than living in a city with only fruit trees, made up fish and animals that talk gibberish to you. It's like living in a barely civilized foreign country.
  4. Throw all of your clothes on the floor. When your mom asks why your room is so dirty, claim it's because you're just going to have to pack it all anyways. Repeat this for the four weeks up until you really have to leave.
  5. Duct tape yourself to the childhood bed you've had since you were four. Who needs limbs or air anyways?
I hope everyone starting college, going back to college or moving out into their first apartment don't follow these tips and move into their new place quickly and painlessly. Be safe and puff, puff, pass.

How To Successfully Suck At Blogging Without Really Trying

Sunday, August 18, 2013

It becomes more obvious with each passing day (and week...and month...) that I am, indeed, an awful blogger. I am inconsistent, forgetful and just damn lazy. I can make a million excuses in the world, but instead, I am going to make a list of the things I've done instead of blogging in order to get back into blogging. Did that make sense? No? Ah, all right, you little rascal.

  1. Get really, really busy with school and spend any amount of free time watching episodes (new or repeats) of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon while simultaneously wishing he were single and you were twenty years older. Also, spend a lot of time with your head in the fridge or the pantry or the cupboards. Really, any place where you're going to get food without leaving the comfort of your house and ratty ass sweatpants with milkshake stains on strange places.
  2. Play a sport for your school or for a club. Apparently, you have to practice and go to games when you sign up for organized sports? I assumed you just wrote it down on your little resume for applications and such or used it as an excuse to get out of going to some awful family reunion that you would rather stab yourself in the appendix than attend. Games, when you're on bad teams, can often be very long and painful to be a part of. Overall, total waste of time if your only outcome is a loss.
  3. Get a job.  Doing labor of the legal sorts is a great way to give your parents excuses not to give you money anymore. "Hey mom, can I have five bucks to----" "No, you just got paid." "Mom, I babysit one hour a week and I have to pay for gas now. Can I plea--" "No." "ajfa104!$1!$@%" Really, jobs aren't as great as they sound. I'm sure even licking Ryan Gosling's naked chest would get a little boring after a while. There are only so many licks before you get to the center of his tootsie pop.
  4. Get mugged in an alley way and have your computer stolen by a crazy hobo dressed in a banana costume. This personally has never happened to me, but if you're ever in an alley by yourself and there is a man in a banana costume, run.
  5. Socialize. So, I started doing this thing where when people asked me if I was busy and wanted to do something, I said "Sure!" rather than making up a bullshit excuse about how my pet giraffe missed its parents back at home so I had to fly to wherever the fuck my giraffe grew up so it wasn't so sad. Warning: socializing can end up taking up a lot of your time so proceed with caution.
  6. Go on vacation because you deserve it!
And that's basically what has been going on in my life (minus #4). Hope this did not help you at all, but still made you laugh or wonder whether I am currently residing in my parent's house or a psychiatric ward where I managed to find Wifi and a computer to type out this blog post on.
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